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Current Vote Counts

• I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.: 5 votes
• Q: How much room is needed for fungi to grow? A. As mushroom as possible: 4 votes
• I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.: 4 votes
• I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.: 4 votes
• I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.: 4 votes
• I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.: 4 votes
• I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was a kid.: 4 votes
• I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”: 4 votes
• I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.: 4 votes
• I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.: 4 votes
• I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “I love how smooth it is.”: 4 votes
• I changed all my passwords to “incorrect.” So when I forget, the computer reminds me, “Your password is incorrect.”: 4 votes
• I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers.: 4 votes
• I asked Siri why I’m still single. It turned on the front camera.: 4 votes
• I told my wife she was drawing too much attention to herself. She said, “That’s the point of the glow-in-the-dark jumpsuit.”: 4 votes
• I asked my friend if he wanted a frozen banana, but he said “No.” So I said “Okay… but do you want a regular banana later that I’ll freeze?”: 4 votes
• I told my kids I used to walk to school uphill both ways. Then I realized I went to school in the flattest part of town.: 4 votes
• I bought noise-canceling headphones, but I can still hear my thoughts.: 4 votes
• I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey… but I turned myself around.: 4 votes
• I wonder what my ancestors did before GPS. Probably asked for directions and still ended up somewhere they couldn’t pronounce.: 4 votes
• Teacher: How much is a gram? Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need.: 3 votes
• Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.: 3 votes
• Boy: The principal is so dumb! Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No... Girl: I am the principal's daughter! Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No... Boy: Good! *Walks away*: 2 votes
• My boss told me to have a good day... so I went home.: 2 votes
• What do you call a nose with no body? No body nose.: 1 votes
• Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym? A: To get better buns!: 1 votes
• I started a band called 999MB. We haven’t gotten a gig yet.: 1 votes
• Yo momma so fat, she doesn't need internet, she's already worldwide.: 0 votes